Sunday 20th March 3am

Oh dear. It’s the night before the night before and to be fair my moods have been awful. I’m really genuinely worried about how this goes when to be honest I should be just treating it as fun. I’ve been blaming my career and anything else that I can think of for the mood I’m in. In reality I think it’s just nerves about doing this stand-up. I need to learn to control my mind more. I suspect that this subconscious programming route is the way forward.

I recited my material to my Mum today while we took Fred the dog round the park (possibly for the last time as he’s ill at the moment). Tom’s words on the phone summed this up perfectly “what confidence you gained in knowing that you do know your material has been lost twice over by your mum’s reaction”. He’s right. I need to stop reciting it to people. Save it for the gig. Go and fu#king do it. See how it goes then. Silly.

The rest of the call to Tom was full of nice advice like, just enjoy it now. You’ll be fine etc. Nothing particularly insightful. He read me some more of his material. It was good. He’s becoming very productive. I feel I should keep writing. I’m going to get cracking after this diary entry on some stuff actually. Ye gods! I’m shi#ting it one minute and fine the next.

There’s been a strange sense of excitement which has now turned into one of slow creeping fear. That sounds over dramatic so if you want to understand where I’m coming from cut some of the edge off that statement and there we are. Thereabouts. I can’t really express my nerves to you rationally because they are by their very nature irrational. They’re driven by my subconscious and my body. There’s really no rational reason to be nervous. It’ll be fine.

Have just been reading a pi#s funny transcript of a bloke who took mescaline as an experiment on telly. It’s very funny. Never broadcast apparently. No justice. It would have been great.

NM