Wednesday February 24th 3:33am

Comedy preparation today has been a little overlooked. I got up late and then went with Matt to get his hair cut. I think I’m going to have mine done soon only I’d like to get these PR shots done first then get it all taken off. It’s really long and my beard looks scruffy as well. I want to change my look. Perhaps I’ll do it tomorrow. F##k the PR shots, I’ve gone off the idea. Dunno. Not sure at all.

As regards memorising the set I’ve cut the set list down to seven points… buddism, philosophy, women, restaurant, funeral, battersley, kids. Just took time out to see if I could perform the set to my bedroom ceiling using only my set list. I can. Almost… few minor errors but I think with a couple more serious practice sessions I’ll be ready to start pre-performing it with a pretend mic and stuff. I want to seem as if I’ve been doing it for years when I finally hit the stage.

Looking back over yesterday’s entry and I forgot to mention that last night I found a website address where there’s a recording of Rob Deb doing stand-up comedy. Whose Rob Deb? He was a bloke we knew years ago who we'd rib because he wanted to do stand-up comedy. Well he’s there on this video clip doing it and he fucking rocks! He’s getting the laughs and his delivery is nice. I want to get in touch with him but there’s no contact details. Ruined. Maybe we should try and get him up to Sheffield to do the Lescar. The clip was of him towards the end of last year. There’s a fair few mentions of his name on the net, he’s obviously still at it.

NM

Tuesday: February 23 and it’s 3:45 in the AM

Tom rang me back later yesterday and told me some more of his stuff. I enjoy hearing it and I particularly enjoy chucking ideas at him. It’s interesting to see what he thinks is good and what he thinks will work. Gave him quite a good punchline for his act that I imagine he won’t use as it’s not a very “Tom” line:

Chamberlain promised the Britsh he’d protect them
From Hitler by giving them Czechoslovakia
Which wasn’t actually theirs to give

It’s a bit like promising Randy the un-reformed rapist,
Someone else’s bottom in the showers…
And then thinking the problem is solved.

(My bit in italics – Tom’s bit probably slightly inaccurate)

It suggests in the book that you find someone to write with and bounce ideas off. Tom’s been an absolute fuc#ing bonus in that respect. Would probably be a few weeks behind myself if not for having him to bounce ideas off.

Those comedy websites are a godsend… they’re also turning into a bit of an obsession. I’ve been trawling through them again tonight. Sillyness. They remind me of the glimpse into the radio world that Media UK (in its prime) and Radiogoss (now defunct) gave me when I was just starting out. There’s an interesting vibe on them that I’m not sure what to make of.

Got a message back from the bloke who does Beat The Frog. I’m on the bill! Brilliant. He wants one Irish joke in there? I’ll have to ask for him to clarify that. I’ll maybe make the Jamie Battersley story Irish by changing Jamie’s nationality? Not sure. I’ve really got no idea what to expect with these “gigs” (hate that word). As far as I can make out it’ll be a fairly big night at Beat The Frog, Quite big at The Spacebar then a bit smaller at The Comedy Balloon then down to hardly any for the arts thing in Preston.

Went to the gym with Matt today. Did about an hour and a half with just me and the minidisc that I recorded the day before. On the treadmill with all my daft fart material bouncing round my brain. Starting to really get the hang of it now. Getting to really know my material. Making slight last minute changes to it but ultimately ready to perform it as soon as. There’s still the possibility of the “Gong Show” in Sutton Coldfield. That’d be on the 11th of March I think. I’ve asked to be part of it, I think it’d work well as a little taster of the big week.

I’m going to buy a camcorder from a cheap second hand store to document the whole thing with. I think I also need some audio recording equipment if possible. We’ll see. I saw a cheap camcorder in Manchester for about £50. We’ll see what’s going on this weekend.

NM

Monday: 2:00pm February 22nd

I’ve not had a call from the bloke who does Beat The Frog. I think I’m going to get memorising this stand-up stuff today. Might flick through some new material I’m writing. Tom read me some of his ripper stuff. I think it’s his strongest work yet. There’s some great lines there. Bang on the zeitgeist as well. Tried not to over-praise it though. I can get too enthusiastic sometimes.

NM

7:17am February 22nd

Oh dear me. It’s clearly the wrong side of the day. I’ve got to get more in control of my sleep patterns here. Obviously I’m in a rather obsessive state about this comedy mission I’ve set myself. It’s turned out to be a lot of fun to work towards so far. I’m now at the stage where I have material that I just need to learn now. This leaves me almost exactly a month. Should be easy enough to learn it. Might get back to reading that book a bit. See what it says about performance.

I’ve registered on the forums for Chortle.co.uk. It’s been a lot more rapid than the Manchester comedy one. Got lots of useful feedback from people. There’s some really helpful chaps out there. This scene really reminds me of radio at the moment. People clearly do it for the love of it. I like that. They also clearly want more people involved in it. That’s also good. I imagine that like radio there’s only a certain number of people who are really genuinely good at it. Might be wrong. I like the way it feels like I’m doing something new though.

I’m also enjoying writing this diary. I love the fact I’m writing it without any sort of purpose in mind. It really allows you to enjoy the little things in life if you keep a diary. You assess your day more. I can also watch my progress as I travel towards the stand-up.

Right, in comedy news here’s what’s happened. I tried loads of practising today. Loads of reading the stuff out and recording it as I went along and then moving the sheets of paper I’m reading from further out of sight. Until I couldn’t see them. Unfortunately once I couldn’t see them I also couldn’t remember them. Ruined.

I’ve hassled Lee the promoter who does Beat The Frog in the week I’m after. I’ve told him my family is connected to Ireland as it’s Irish theme night or something. Hope it works. I sent him a PM on the Manchester Comedy website. It’s my final crack at that spot!

NM

Monday February 21st 6.10am

Odd show last night. Really low on calls.

I've decided I'm going to try this subconscious programming thing. What do I want to programme myself to think? I’d like to be less of a coward. I’m going to use it in relation to my comedy. I’ll use it for a few other things. Wonder if it’ll work? I’ll have to see what I want to make it do first. Anyway, comedy news…

I’ve recorded my set onto mini-disc using the recorders in the news room bit. I’ve got it here on my bed*. It’s just under 4 minutes. Around 3.40secs. Shorter than I thought. That’s after a few readings and a few more self imposed re-writes. During the re-writing I’ve added a few little extra jokes. Looking back over it the piece used to be a lot flabbier and blunter. It’s now becoming meaner and leaner and more clearly intended to make you laugh. Now remember this piece has been in the works since at least the 31st of January. Almost a month to write four minutes of material. That’s around a week per minute. Bonkers. That said it’s getting better all the time.

So the idea of recording it onto mini-disc is twofold. Firstly it was to get me used to holding a mic. I don’t anticipate this as a big problem to be honest. It’s not something I’ve ever been uncomfortable with in the past. The second purpose is so I can play it, over and over again into my head. This will help me to memorise it. Now, remember, I want to know it so well I can sort of improvise around it if I want. I need to hit the point where I’m not reading it from my memory but just telling it to a mate. I think this is the way to do that. By tomorrow night I’ll know if it was a good idea.

Matt’s been really useful and patient today. I read him the set over the phone. Went through where I think there will be reaction points and he suggested I get him or Wootus to read it out to me. Great idea, I got James Piekos to do it when he came into work at half two in the morning. It was good because it showed me how to better deliver one of my own lines! I’ve incorporated that into my delivery. I think that’s the next bit I’m facing. How do I deliver these ideas? That’s where learning it off by heart might help me.

Finally it looks like I might be off to Preston to do Thursday of the week. There’s an open mic, poetry type, guitar type thing that the organiser says sometimes does comedy. It’s a Thursday booking, can’t afford to be picky. Sounds good to me! Also I’m now on the Comedy Balloon website. Nick Sheffield Wednesday – 8.30pm. Bonkers.

NM

*Additional note written on Weds 25th 2006:

This is the exact script I had laid out infront of me. On the actual night, as you'll see, it got changed around a bit. But for the moment this gives you an idea of where I was at.

I want to tell you about my path to enlightenment..

I used to be a buddist..

Until once I was at meditation class with about 60 others.

Sat in the row infront, his legs in the lotus position..

is a wise, old man... Remember him..

he’s about to touch me, in a way that’ll change me forever..

We’re all of us being told to tune into silence..

We’re meditating and expelling bad vibes..

room’s so quiet you can hear, everything..

Then this wise old man does something very profound..

He does a fart..

A big.. loud.. dirty fart..

He’s expelling his bad vibes..

When you meditate you have something called a mantra.

You repeat it over and over.

I ended up meditating on the sound of his fart.

That experience changed me forever.

Anyway.. the guide, she just carries on.

We’re doing power breathing exercises,

& Mr Miyagi here’s a proper buddist.. he’s a vegetarian..

Now that’s just nasty.

I can still see..

All these earnest buddists power breathing it in..

Ignoring it..

I couldn’t not laugh..

That was it for me.. I was no longer a buddist.

The day you start ignoring farts like that.

That’s the day you kill your inner child..

I didn’t become a buddist in order to start killing kids..

So I decided to start a new philosophy: the philosophy of farts.

Someone farts, enjoy it.

Not Carpe de em, but Carpe de fart.

It’s a philosophy that puts you in touch with a message that comes

Straight from arse holes..

Now farts aren’t as funny to women, I’m not sure why

It could be because men are stupid..

Or!.. it’s might be women don’t have a sense of humour..
(call the mo)

Here’s an example

in a posh resteraunt with my family, let rip the loudest fart ever.

Mum’s embarrassed…

Even more so when the piano player next to us

Hears it.. and stops playing.. right in the middle of his tune.

This means the whole restraunt, turns round to see what’s wrong.

There’s a genuine look of pride on my dad’s face.

Little cheeky wink – “nice one son”.

Y’know corpses fart after they’ve died..

imagine that at an open casket funeral..

You go in to see your dead relative and they fart at you..

How’d you react to that?

Three options: Ignore it?.. Laugh it off?.. Light it?

My next door neighbour when I was a kid Jamie Battersley,

we used to smell, each other’s farts.

Then we’d guess what the other’d had for tea..

He gets a bit embarrased about that now……

Mainly ‘cause I’m so good at it..

Jamie Battersley had, Beef burgers for dinner today.

Farts are funnier to me coz I’m not a parent.

If your kid farts..

it’s possible they’ve shat their pants.

Back in primary school, Danny Parker, in Mrs Phone’s class.

Confidently sings: “1,2,3,4 listen to my arse roar.”

Everyone turns round to see what’s happening

There’s Danny straining away but there’s no fart...

Literally seconds later without missing a beat, sticks his hand up.

“Miss – can I go to the toilet?”

I think Danny learned a very valuable lesson that day.

If you're going to announce a fart: be sure it's just a fart.

Don’t shit your pants infront of the whole class..

Because you’ll never hear the end of it

All throughout school people will go on about it.

20 years later I’ll still be telling complete strangers the story.

Tell you what, big round of applause for Danny Parker's failed fart!

20th February 2:05am

Got a call from Tom. He seemed in good spirits. He’s not too keen on Jodie’s suggestion: “you wouldn’t do that if you were telling a mate about it”. After I read it to him he told me to re-write it as if I was telling it to Phoneboy. Ironically I have told these stories to Phoneboy before, they all went down well. “Don’t worry too much about it being funny, just try and make it more conversational” … I didn’t ask if that was because it already was funny. I’m trying to master this think positive lark. Next thing I plan to do is get cracking on recording some stuff onto MD so I can memorise it. I’m going to try this auto-suggestion thing. It sounds good, only I’m a bit late on the timing, he reckons it takes around two months or so.

Watched a Woody Allen film with Jodie and drank a bottle and a half of wine. Can’t sleep. Don’t feel drunk either. I think I might go without drink soon for a month or so. It’s not much fun really.

Going to do some more work on the set. Tom was quite positive on the phone.

Perhaps I am a bit drun.

NM

19th February 4:10pm

Jodie’s made a good suggestion. I should use a sound effect fart in my act, which is entirely about farts. I’m going to buy one of those fart boxes from a joke shop. We’re rocking baby! Still nervous reading this out to people. Don’t know how I’ll fare for real. Think positive! It’ll be fine!

NM

2005 February 19th 1:46pm

I’m in Manchester at the moment. I’ve re-written the set a little bit. It’s approximately 4 minutes long. I did it on the train. This lap top is ace. I’ll have to make back-ups of all the important files and save them onto a floppy. We’re off into town today, I’ll buy some then. Tom’s help in re-writing the stuff has been an absolute bonus. The whole bit is looking much better. I think I can –almost- guarantee at least one or two laughs. If I perform it correctly I'll probably have fun doing it.

Might read my set to Jodie a bit later.

NM

February 1:25pm on Friday 18th in the year 2000 and 5

I’ve got another booking! Just had a call from Chris Judge. He books for The Spacebar open mic night. He seems like one of the goodies in this story. He was really helpful and despite the fact that March the 22nd is full he said he’d fit me on the bill. Brilliant. As long as I had something rehearsed and wasn’t just going to turn up and try and make it up as I went along. There’s a fine line between making it clear you’ve never done it before on the one hand and then on the other, coming over as too confident. I’d rather walk on the “never done it before” line. But I’ve got to be positive at the same time.

Not as positive as Wootus though. That bloke we saw last night got back to him. There’s a spot on the Friday, it’s part of a theatre tour. I don’t rely too much on swearwords do I? F#cking hell. When we were first told about him he ran an open mic night. It’s clear that’s not the case. He must have packed that in. Ruined. However it’s a trap that frequently seems to pop up. We know too many people who are in a position to put us on a real stage infront of real people.

Anyway back to how great that Chris Judge is. Here’s his advice on finding and getting gigs: post again on Manchester Comedy with something like, “Looking for open mic nights – open spots March 20-26th”. Don’t tell people you’ve never done it before. Say you’ve done a few. Go on Chortle.co.uk and post the same string in the industry notice board section. Make sure you’ve got something practiced! Interesting considering Toby’s advice last night. He also implied I should lie to the bloke about Beat The Frog and their need for an Irish joke.

Chris rang when I was on the phone to Tom. Tom’s been going over my set. He thinks I should be ruthless and cut it down. This is the set that I’d already changed this morning prior to him re-hearing it. All his advice makes sense to me though and we both agreed the bit is starting to shape up quite nicely. I told him Toby’s advice and his response was similar to what I’ve written in my last entry. He also added “If you’ve got your material written out you can record your performance and look back to the script to see which bits need taking out. It ups your confidence for future shows.”

So, I'm going to press on and learn my material back to front then when I’m onstage put in little asides if I want. This of course increases the need to cut it down in it’s current form. It currently weighs in at around 4 minutes. I’d rather do 3 minutes of funny material than four minutes of slightly rubbish material. I don’t intend to busk it.

NM

18th of February 4am Friday

A good day today. Both the radio show and the comedy world were nice to me. I missed that snoop with Owen I was supposed to have. Slept in by accident. However the radio show went really well. It’s “No Topic Night” on Thursday so people can call in about whatever they want and I talk to them about it. It’s a chance for me to piss about and of course do no preparation whatsoever. This means I can get down to the comedy club beforehand.

I finally managed to corner Toby Foster and have a really good in-depth conversation with him about comedy. After me badgering him about it we started to get into a discussion about funny words and sounds. He eventually (after much perstering from me) went into his theory about how you sort of sing your comedy to people. Like you’d perform poetry. “Da – du – da – du – da – du – da.. Ta – de – de – Da…” is funnier than “Da – Da – Da – Da – Da…”. It makes more sense when he explains it. I get where he’s coming from and once he’d explained it I can see how he reflects that theory in his act. I could almost hear him doing it when he was on stage. Really changing the pitch of his voice.

I think Toby is wary of sounding too pretentious about his act and himself. There’s no need, he’s not a pretentious person. I think he knows he’s capable of more and that’s why he rips into himself so much and doesn’t allow himself too much glory. He’d keep slagging his material off as he explained these things. I suppose that’s what’s likeable about him. His offstage lack of confidence is a counterbalance to his onstage persona.

As an addition to this, Toby told me not too look nervous if possible. Looking nervous is apparently not a good idea! I think I can manage that, I’m usually quite a confident looking person when I turn it on. He also suggested I don’t learn my material off by heart. He suggests I know my topics but don’t worry too much about how I phrase it. Now this is a big piece of advice and it’s more potentially significant to the way I’m preparing. My original plan was too learn the whole thing off by heart. So I could recite it like I can a Chris Morris sketch or a Blackadder episode (series 2 of course). However here’s what he said word for word:

“What’s funny to you in your bedroom might not work at that exact moment in front of the crowd. Read the crowd and respond to them. Phrase it how you think it’ll work there and then. It’s a conversation between you and the crowd. You don’t script conversations in real life”

F$ck! That’s obviously good advice.

I can’t ignore it because it makes sense. However I can’t totally change my strategy on the basis of his advice. He’s an experienced comic, I’m not. Now, here’s what makes the advice even more powerful. This time last week there was an open mic on whom I didn’t see but Jodie and Matt did. Here’s their review: “He just sounded like he was reading from a script there was no interaction with the crowd.”. This is a trap I remember thinking that I could easily fall into. Most of the things I do are prepared to a level I'd be ashamed to admit.

So, my plan now is to learn the script off by heart. It’s constantly changing at the moment but I should have a version I’m happy with by the end of tonight. Once it’s done and firmly engrained in my mind I’ll promise myself not to get too hung up about the exact wording of it on the night. I’ll busk it a bit. Only a bit. Oh fu@k I’m changing my mind as I write this..

Now here’s the stage time problem. Met a comedian last night who me and Wootus sort of harassed into giving us some stage time at his next gig or club or something. Here’s the conversation:

Wootus: “Hiya mate, listen Nick here’s after doing some open mic spots”

Comedian bloke with a bald head “Okay, is he funny, (to me) are you funny?”

Me: “Um..”

Wootus: “He’s fu-king hilarious”

Comedian “Right, lets see there’s some gigs coming up get my number off Toby give me a ring and we’ll get you booked in”

Me: “Okay. Um..”

This guy was very funny on stage. Despite the fact he did comedy songs. We’d originally heard that he did an open mic night. Doesn’t look like that’s the case. However I’ll ring him and we’ll see. I might have to get over this fear I’ve got of doing some stuff infront of a paying crowd. Toby’s all up for getting me on at The Lescar. Not sure about that. Open mic acts can die an awful grizzly death there. Really not sure about it. Obviously the same applies at other comedy clubs in the UK. I don’t quite think my first EVER gig should be infront of a paying crowd.

Okay, in other news Tom Binns has replied to my email. He’s hugely tweaked the set. It’s a bit embarrassing really. He’s a lot funnier than I am and I owe him a lot for the help he’s given me. Whenever he reads me his stuff I giggle like a girl and tell him it’s really good. Whenever I show him my stuff he improves it and is really helpful. Oh dear, I need to get onstage. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I wish I’d got into this earlier. It’s a lot of fun.

I’m off to apply his re-writes to my set and then I’m going to have a nice long sleep.

NM

Thursday 17th February 2:50am 2005

Been an odd day today. I’ve had a great day in terms of my radio stuff but my stand-up has taken a bit of a knock back. Firstly I’ll deal with the good stuff. The show went well today and to be honest I’m still on a bit of an after-show high. I really feel that this stand-up lark has freed my mind up creatively. I’m using sound effects a bit of surreal stuff and I’m genuinely enjoying the job again.

One of the reasons I’m doing this stand-up stuff is I need something else to do with my time. The radio show alone isn’t enough. It’s fun but it’s no substitute for a real life. If I focus too hard on the radio show I end up crushing it like a flower. I need to water it and respect it but not weigh it down. That’s why I’m doing this stand-up, it’s distracting me from the show a bit but it’s still something worth doing.

Now then, setbacks… Well it’s almost f#cking impossible to get stage time! I thought a month’s notice would be good enough. Not so. I can’t get over what a tw#t it’s turning out to be to find a few open mic nights to do some stuff. So it looks like Wutang’s going to try and pull some strings and get a few favours in. That’s a problem because if I’m on any professional bills the stakes are higher. Furthermore I didn’t practice today. I need my set printed on paper to read it out loud. Well I don’t have a printer at home so I made excuses to myself and took the disc to work to print it out there. Did I bother? No I forgot and I left the disc at work as well. Cu#t.

However I did email a few clubs in London posted some more on the Manchester Comedy website and sent the most recent copy of my final script to Tom. He might look through it for me. Going to have some burgers now and then go to bed.

NM

2005 Weds Feb 16th 4.20am

So here’s my little diary about doing stand-up comedy for the first time. I’ve just read someone else’s diary which she wrote online in the lead-up to her debut. It was a great read so I thought I’d do one. It’s not online as it happens because I’m in a slightly different situation.

I do a late night radio show on Hallam FM. It gets 64,000 listeners. It’s quite a good show, the last thing I want is any of the audience turning up to watch my kack handed attempts at live comedy. Their expectations would be all out of proportion. No, this is something I’m doing as a hobby in order to take my mind off that radio show.

It started towards the end of January when I was starting to feel a bit creatively flat. Various pressures seemed allied against what I did for a living and my producer Ben had left. I rang a mate of mine, Tom Binns, and asked for his advice. It was simple: “You’re letting this get on top of you because it’s the only creative outlet you have. Write some stand-up material and get some stage time, you’ll never look back”. This advice was uncanny. One of my new year’s resolutions was to do some stand-up this year for a bit of fun. I hadn’t told Tom this but there he was recommending I did it. It’s fate..

So I got to work straight away and with his advice on how to write stuff and wrote two pieces, “Dentists” and “Farts”. It is the second of these I intend to perform. I’ve taken a week off in March, 20th – 26th and I’m trying to book places as we speak, so to speak. My aim is to perform every night of that week! I’ve got one booking so far, open mic at “The Comedy Balloon” in Manchester. It sounds like there’s a very small turn out at that venue. That’s Wednesday of the week covered. Now I need to try and get the others sorted.

My flatmate Anthony is going to help me get to the gigs and be there for moral support. He’s heard my material and been very nice about it. My other flatmate Matt finds the whole thing very funny for all the wrong reasons. He’s being supportive in his own unique way. It’s worth explaining that Anthony is good mates with a stand-up called Toby Foster. He’s The Don of Sheffield Comedy as far as I’m concerned. I’ve NEVER seen Toby “bomb” on stage, ever. He always gets big consistent laughs and his material is a lot more intelligent than it at first appears.

It’s possible that we might try and conclude the “tour” with a gig at his comedy club The Lescar which allows people to do open spots. The only problem with this is that it’s in Sheffield and I worry that people might suss that I’m the bloke who does that “controversial” talkshow on Hallam FM. Unlikely but possible. As a precaution against this I’m using the stage name Nick Sheffield.

So here’s my plan for tomorrow. I intend to practice my “Farts” script over and over and over. I’m going to make sure it’s written out as I want it. I’ll also ring all the clubs I’ve got on my list where they offer open spots in that week and get on them if possible.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. I’m doing a “Gong Show” in Sutton Coldfield on the 11th of March or 18th of March. One of the two anyway. I’ve asked for a slot. Will wait for them to say yay or f--- off!

NM