Monday February 21st 6.10am

Odd show last night. Really low on calls.

I've decided I'm going to try this subconscious programming thing. What do I want to programme myself to think? I’d like to be less of a coward. I’m going to use it in relation to my comedy. I’ll use it for a few other things. Wonder if it’ll work? I’ll have to see what I want to make it do first. Anyway, comedy news…

I’ve recorded my set onto mini-disc using the recorders in the news room bit. I’ve got it here on my bed*. It’s just under 4 minutes. Around 3.40secs. Shorter than I thought. That’s after a few readings and a few more self imposed re-writes. During the re-writing I’ve added a few little extra jokes. Looking back over it the piece used to be a lot flabbier and blunter. It’s now becoming meaner and leaner and more clearly intended to make you laugh. Now remember this piece has been in the works since at least the 31st of January. Almost a month to write four minutes of material. That’s around a week per minute. Bonkers. That said it’s getting better all the time.

So the idea of recording it onto mini-disc is twofold. Firstly it was to get me used to holding a mic. I don’t anticipate this as a big problem to be honest. It’s not something I’ve ever been uncomfortable with in the past. The second purpose is so I can play it, over and over again into my head. This will help me to memorise it. Now, remember, I want to know it so well I can sort of improvise around it if I want. I need to hit the point where I’m not reading it from my memory but just telling it to a mate. I think this is the way to do that. By tomorrow night I’ll know if it was a good idea.

Matt’s been really useful and patient today. I read him the set over the phone. Went through where I think there will be reaction points and he suggested I get him or Wootus to read it out to me. Great idea, I got James Piekos to do it when he came into work at half two in the morning. It was good because it showed me how to better deliver one of my own lines! I’ve incorporated that into my delivery. I think that’s the next bit I’m facing. How do I deliver these ideas? That’s where learning it off by heart might help me.

Finally it looks like I might be off to Preston to do Thursday of the week. There’s an open mic, poetry type, guitar type thing that the organiser says sometimes does comedy. It’s a Thursday booking, can’t afford to be picky. Sounds good to me! Also I’m now on the Comedy Balloon website. Nick Sheffield Wednesday – 8.30pm. Bonkers.

NM

*Additional note written on Weds 25th 2006:

This is the exact script I had laid out infront of me. On the actual night, as you'll see, it got changed around a bit. But for the moment this gives you an idea of where I was at.

I want to tell you about my path to enlightenment..

I used to be a buddist..

Until once I was at meditation class with about 60 others.

Sat in the row infront, his legs in the lotus position..

is a wise, old man... Remember him..

he’s about to touch me, in a way that’ll change me forever..

We’re all of us being told to tune into silence..

We’re meditating and expelling bad vibes..

room’s so quiet you can hear, everything..

Then this wise old man does something very profound..

He does a fart..

A big.. loud.. dirty fart..

He’s expelling his bad vibes..

When you meditate you have something called a mantra.

You repeat it over and over.

I ended up meditating on the sound of his fart.

That experience changed me forever.

Anyway.. the guide, she just carries on.

We’re doing power breathing exercises,

& Mr Miyagi here’s a proper buddist.. he’s a vegetarian..

Now that’s just nasty.

I can still see..

All these earnest buddists power breathing it in..

Ignoring it..

I couldn’t not laugh..

That was it for me.. I was no longer a buddist.

The day you start ignoring farts like that.

That’s the day you kill your inner child..

I didn’t become a buddist in order to start killing kids..

So I decided to start a new philosophy: the philosophy of farts.

Someone farts, enjoy it.

Not Carpe de em, but Carpe de fart.

It’s a philosophy that puts you in touch with a message that comes

Straight from arse holes..

Now farts aren’t as funny to women, I’m not sure why

It could be because men are stupid..

Or!.. it’s might be women don’t have a sense of humour..
(call the mo)

Here’s an example

in a posh resteraunt with my family, let rip the loudest fart ever.

Mum’s embarrassed…

Even more so when the piano player next to us

Hears it.. and stops playing.. right in the middle of his tune.

This means the whole restraunt, turns round to see what’s wrong.

There’s a genuine look of pride on my dad’s face.

Little cheeky wink – “nice one son”.

Y’know corpses fart after they’ve died..

imagine that at an open casket funeral..

You go in to see your dead relative and they fart at you..

How’d you react to that?

Three options: Ignore it?.. Laugh it off?.. Light it?

My next door neighbour when I was a kid Jamie Battersley,

we used to smell, each other’s farts.

Then we’d guess what the other’d had for tea..

He gets a bit embarrased about that now……

Mainly ‘cause I’m so good at it..

Jamie Battersley had, Beef burgers for dinner today.

Farts are funnier to me coz I’m not a parent.

If your kid farts..

it’s possible they’ve shat their pants.

Back in primary school, Danny Parker, in Mrs Phone’s class.

Confidently sings: “1,2,3,4 listen to my arse roar.”

Everyone turns round to see what’s happening

There’s Danny straining away but there’s no fart...

Literally seconds later without missing a beat, sticks his hand up.

“Miss – can I go to the toilet?”

I think Danny learned a very valuable lesson that day.

If you're going to announce a fart: be sure it's just a fart.

Don’t shit your pants infront of the whole class..

Because you’ll never hear the end of it

All throughout school people will go on about it.

20 years later I’ll still be telling complete strangers the story.

Tell you what, big round of applause for Danny Parker's failed fart!